****

I’m 27 years old, reasonably attractive, popular, neither rich nor poor, utterly self-sufficient, articulate and single. People, that is, my family and friends, often ask me why I was still unattached.

Sure, I’ve had my share of boyfriends, but maybe because I’ve wonderfully been aware of the new reality whereby I didn’t need a man to protect and support me, and thus not looking for one. Blame it on feminism.

I’ve dated businessmen, politicians and fellow actors, but I’ve never sought commitment or deep, enduring love, or a lifetime partner. Occasionally, I felt passionately about someone, but I see now that I’ve never fell in love with anyone who was actually available for me.

Oh, alright. To tell the truth, I was in love once, to a modern man.

I met Toma when we worked on Hana Kimi.

He was funny, smart, confident and hard-working. The only man I have ever met who was absolutely certain of his worth and certainly the only man who understood me. He knew I didn’t rely on relationships to give me life value, and he respected me for that.

We were happy. Perfect? Hardly. Our relationship was beset by some of the same earnestness and insecurity that infuriated me as a woman and an actress dating a fellow actor. Yet I began to realize that maybe love could not help but a little infuriating on occasion.

We were accustomed to being in the limelight, attending premiers or any flash-happy publicity event there was. But most of the time, we worked on different schedules, and even different locations. Soon, work took over our lives. Like any artist finding himself at the top of his career, both of us took advantage of every opportunity that came our way. In an industry like this, one has to offer time and availability.

Most homecomings were spent with friends and by the time we’re left alone, we’ve been too exhausted to even share a quick moment of passion.

I have to make it clear: it wasn’t because either of us cheated. There was never a third party involved. Sure, we agreed in an open relationship, but we were in love, and never dared explore. We did our best to be honest about our relationship and desires.

We were too busy and simply grew apart. And being a self-proclaimed feminist, I broke it off.

As I’ve said, I moved on and dated men that caught my interest. Perhaps one or two those relationships would’ve worked. But for me, there is something else. Of all the men I have ever dated, only Toma had the confidence and allowed me my independence and space, yet he was still protective and showed me that I can still be happy if I risk a commitment.  5 years after we broke up, I realized how much I missed him. I decided to rekindle our past love, but a lot of things happened in such a long period of time, beyond my control…of things that mostly surprised me, but came to accept eventually.

I ran into Toma for the first time in years last spring. I was boarding a bus in Yokohama, after a month-long movie shoot. It was at the back seat, and there was a space next to him. He was reading a book. We were in Yokohama, and the odds of meeting there was very low. I sat next to him and said, “My, my…It truly is a small world, huh?” He ignored me at first, probably thought I was a crazy fan. Then he looked at me then laughed.

As it turned out, he just finished a show in Yokohama but had to leave immediately for a radio show back in Tokyo. His troop would follow the next day.

He convinced me to get dinner once we stepped off the bus, but not before calling someone in his cell phone, telling whom he had ran into and where we were heading.

It was a bit chilly at the restaurant. Noticing that I didn’t have a sweater with me, Toma gave me his jacket to wear. Our conversations were full of jokes and laughter before it got serious.

“I never would have left you…Why did you break up with me anyway?” he asked, wondering.

I knew he was sincere when he said that, and for the first time, I didn’t know what to say. I just wished we had gotten married.

Then Yamapi came by. I figured he was the person Toma called before heading into the restaurant.

Yamapi and I had worked together in a TV drama and a movie. He’s a good guy, really sweet. I would’ve flirted with him if only I wasn’t in love with Toma that time.

“How have you been, Maki?” Yamapi greeted.

“ I wish you had told me you were going out instead of me having to find out through other people,” I said, looking at Yamapi then Toma.

“I was making a choice, I guess,” Toma said. “It was you or Yamapi, and I chose Yamapi.”

Both are doing well. Somehow, they managed to find time for each other.

I wanted Yamapi to leave so I could bask in Toma’s attention and smile.

“I always knew you would turn out fine,” I told Toma.

Toma and Yamapi seemed very much in love. I could have had this, I thought. I’m sitting across the table from the closest I ever came. Their lives sounded complicated, rousing controversies and shocking reactions when they came out, but I was glad to see them. They’ve known each other for a long time, and knew that the stories behind them make up most of the fabric of their lives.

When we got up to leave, Yamapi gave a sweet, friendly smile. Toma gave me a hug.

“I will always care about you,” he said.

“That’s nice of you to say,” I told him.

I took off the jacket and gave it back to him.

“Keep it,” he said, and I really hoped I could, but I wouldn’t.

“Don’t be silly, I’m going straight home from here,” I said.

*****

inspired by " Confessions of a Boy Toy Lover..." and some...

Genre: Romance/angst(?)

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I do not own the johnny’s; and the other characters are made-up…This is purely fictional, and I wish it were true...

******

Yamapi laid the phone down and stared at the window. He was the first one to arrive at the restaurant. Toma called and asked for a rain check.

 It was a warm day. The leaves of solitary pine trees that stood in the distance rustled with the slow breeze. He looked to see the sun and found himself oppressed by the feeling of the immensity of the world before his sight.

He sighed, as he sat and waited for his friends.

There is no reason to be sad…What the heck, nothing is permanent in this world,” he murmured. It’s not like he deliberately cancelled out on us. Besides, I ought to be happy for him.

But he couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, as he thinks of Toma. He’s having a thriving career, sure, and so was he…but he was jealous with the fact that Toma had found a reason to be happy with an amazing person.

Memories of things past slowly hovered.

*****

How can he be so calm? Doesn’t he understand the implication of this to their career? Of 4Tops? Doesn’t he care that we might disband? That we might not work together again? Yamapi’s mind was swirling with questions, after he told the guys of the news, well, about NEWS.

“Oi, it’s cool, really. It’s just a temporary gig, that’s what Johnny told you, right? Then while you’re busy with that, we three might as well take a vacation. We badly need it. Too bad you can’t join us, though”, Toma was cheerful, as he draped his arm around his shoulders.

In fact, too cheerful.

But one show led to another, and before they knew it, he debuted with NEWS, with him as the leader. For a while, he was afraid to face Hasejun, Kazama and most of all, Toma. However, to his surprise, they only gave him encouragement and wished him all the best.

It’s not fair, he thought. I wanted them to spat at me, to blame me…

He spent many nights crying in his Toma’s arms, apologizing, confessing his fears, of no longer working together. Perhaps it was selfish of him. He knew Toma was hurting too, maybe even worse. But he was blinded with his own emotions. And Toma was his constant reassurance.

“As long as you don’t forget…” Toma whispered.

*****

Toma… He came when he was on the verge of accepting what fate had seemingly bestowed upon him, He came and saw him…alone…a dreamer…a lover of futile thoughts. He came and took him out of the grasps of solitude.

They shared kisses. .. which somehow sealed a promise…of love.

******

“As long as you don’t forget…”

It was naïve of me to think Ryo would replace that special friendship I had with Toma. And Abiruu… hooking up with her was a mistake… What a foolish thing to do. Ryo warned me about her. And I knew Toma would hurt the most.

They spent their quality times arguing, of accusations he was guilty of most of the time, but of which he would vehemently deny; of jealousy he felt when he sees Toma showing affection with his co-stars. Their nights always ended with bitter words and stifled tears. It was never romantic.

*****

“ Toma, we need to talk,” he said, catching up with him. It’s been weeks since they saw each other, with the rehearsals and all. “Maybe right after the countdown?”

“Umm... Sure, I’ll just be hanging out at the dressing room after the show.”, Toma said and walked away.

Yamapi couldn’t help but notice the sudden change in Toma’s expression.

*****

Yamapi closed his eyes, as if by doing so, he could avoid the deafening silence. Seconds passed, and then minutes, still no one spoke a word.

Toma stood by the window, looking down.

******

He recalls saying something about the distance between them, of not being in harmony or something to that effect. But before he could continue, Toma agreed with him, and then those unexpected words came out of Toma’s mouth…

“ So I decided… I think it’s about time we stop this…this…whatever we have… It’s no use holding you back. We both know we’re only hurting each other…” Toma spoke softly, his eyes filled with sadness.

He walked slowly and knelt in front of Yamapi, held his face with both hands.

“I will never love someone as much as I love you… That’s why I’m letting you go…if only to see you happy again.” He whispered.

Yamapi’s throat was dry. His knees begin to weaken, good thing he was sitting. He could not breathe, feeling the pounding of his heart grow stronger. The pricking sensation of Toma’s hands was making him lose his words.

“Oh…” was all he could say, as Toma planted a silent kiss on his lips…of goodbye? He didn’t know.

Then he smiled-- that smile he had always loved, “But promise me that we will still be friends, ok?”

“Of course…” Yamapi was trying to control the tears from falling that have started to well up in his eyes.

*****

 Fool, Yamapi whispered as he watched Toma leave the dressing room.

That exactly didn’t go as planned. I shouldn’t have let him finish saying those words.

In the span of time that they weren’t together, being with NEWS and the concerts, he thought of him a lot, and searched his own heart for answers he couldn’t find at all. He finally broke it off with Abiruu. And when he took the opportunity to talk to him after Johnny’s Countdown, he decided to unburden himself. He wanted to speak to him of his doubts, his fears, his regrets over their misunderstandings, their arguments, his apologies over his distance, and most of all, his love for him… but… Toma… he will never know that his heart belonged to him.

He wiped his eyes.

********

He watched the other diners happily digging into their food. He looked at his watch…They’re late as usual…

He remembered those loving, painful words…

“I will never love someone as much as I love you… That’s why I’m letting you go…if only to see you happy again.”

He smiled bitterly. But I wanted to resist; to be together… Damn it, that was what I wanted to tell him…

How I wanted to punch him, for giving up on us. But who was I to bind him? We both knew it was bound to break. And even at that moment, when I thought of saving that tiny bond we had, I failed to summon enough courage to stop him from turning away.  If only I was as rash as before and let him know that I wanted to work things out.

Maybe I failed us both…

****

“…together forever…”

Amazingly though, being just as best friends was not as bad as he thought, minus those kisses and passionate moments they once shared. At least their closeness was still genuine. There were lesser arguments. In fact, there was peace between them.

Silently, he wished that Toma was not as friendly with the people whom he worked with. It was hard sharing him, but he knew he needs to adjust himself.

He occasionally fell into being with someone without letting himself have any deep feelings for her. Such withholding, however self-protective in its origin, it ultimately made it worse and made such feelings harder to face the next world.

All that time, he’d been reacting, actually, to events that had occurred some years earlier. Although he knew that his hopes were, in reality, hopeless, he constantly wished that he and Toma could simply go back.

*****

Then she came.

“Yamashita, meet Yuriko,” Toma casually introduced the two.

She smiled as she bowed. He was struck by her smile; there’s the hint of nervousness, but it was genuine and warm.

“It was not easy convincing her about us. I don’t know, but she has this way of looking through lies… Women’s intuition, I guess. Thankfully, she believed me,” Toma once told him.

Yuriko is indeed beautiful and well-mannered, not the overly prim-and-proper type, but still conducted herself without malice. He admired her lively attitude with that air of intelligence and unpretentious vibrancy. And that smile… No wonder Toma was drawn to her. It was not hard befriending her.

He was happy and annoyed. Annoyed at himself, for he expected, no, he wished to meet a Yuriko who was boring and high-strung…and ugly…Instead, she was the total opposite.

Watching them exchange sweet smiles, he knew he can’t rob Toma of that happiness.

“I like her… Surprisingly, I do like her,” Yamapi later informed Toma. Especially her smile. It reminds me of yours. He silently added.

Toma smiled brightly, “I knew you would! It warms me to hear you say that, Yamapi. Thank you.”

“She’s an amazing girl. Don’t lose sight of her,” Yamapi said, genuinely.

“Yes, sir,” Toma chuckled.

*****

He saw Jin alighting from his car and entered the restaurant. Kame, Ryo and Matsumoto followed. He waved at them from where he is seated.

“Where’s Toma?” Matsumoto asked as he takes a seat beside Yamapi.

“He can’t make it, he’s got a prior interview,” Yamashita answered.

“Oh, right. I heard it’s a foreign one,” Kame said.

“Then let’s order. I’m famished!” Ryo said as he browsed through the menu.

Yamapi watched as Jin argued with Kame for the menu while Matsumoto and Ryo decide which grilled fish tastes better.

A picture of Yuriko smiling floated in his mind. He never knew that such a smile could give him that reassurance—as if a calm friend had returned to stay.

 He shook his head and smiled. 

Perhaps, in time…

~end~

 **********

...This one I think is more dramatic... I didn't intend to have a sad ending for Pi, I guess I just wanted to give justice for TOma not debuting and all, LOL... But I'll try to make it up next time...